1
00:00:02,269 --> 00:00:03,837
♪ MTV ♪
2
00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:29,429
Sir, we just
wanna donate sperms.
3
00:00:29,430 --> 00:00:30,496
Yeah.
4
00:00:30,497 --> 00:00:33,066
Don't come back.
5
00:00:33,166 --> 00:00:34,834
Cody said this
was a sperm bank,
6
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:37,370
but I think it's just
like an Italian restaurant
7
00:00:37,371 --> 00:00:38,471
or something.
8
00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:41,474
In vitro!
9
00:00:41,475 --> 00:00:42,842
Yeah.
10
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,880
Dammit.
We gotta find a sperm bank.
11
00:00:45,980 --> 00:00:47,413
Yeah, really.
12
00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:50,449
I'm tired of spanking
my monkey for a hobby.
13
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:51,984
I wanna go pro,
you know what I'm saying?
14
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:56,622
Uh, what have we here?
15
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:59,859
Uh, spuh-- spuh--
16
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:00,927
Spuh--
17
00:01:00,928 --> 00:01:02,462
a place to spank your monkey?
18
00:01:02,562 --> 00:01:04,397
Spuh-- sperm--
19
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,298
uh, bank!
20
00:01:06,299 --> 00:01:07,867
Sperm bank.
21
00:01:07,868 --> 00:01:09,603
Whoa!
22
00:01:09,703 --> 00:01:10,938
That must be why its logo
23
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,072
looks like a schlong, wow!
24
00:01:14,474 --> 00:01:18,111
Well, Beavis, let's go
in there and spank our monkeys
25
00:01:18,112 --> 00:01:19,613
and get paid for it.
26
00:01:19,713 --> 00:01:21,847
Yeah.
27
00:01:21,848 --> 00:01:23,049
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
28
00:01:27,187 --> 00:01:29,323
♪ Your mama ♪
29
00:01:32,059 --> 00:01:33,092
Whoa.
30
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:38,430
Your mama.
31
00:01:38,431 --> 00:01:40,466
These are generations
just sitting
32
00:01:40,467 --> 00:01:43,536
around the campfire telling
stories about your mom.
33
00:01:44,905 --> 00:01:48,374
Shut up, Butt-Head!
34
00:01:48,375 --> 00:01:50,576
Uh, look at that, Beavis.
35
00:01:50,577 --> 00:01:54,013
It's a mom who
cares about her son.
36
00:01:54,014 --> 00:01:56,215
This song is not
about your mom.
37
00:01:57,250 --> 00:01:59,986
Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head.
C'mon.
38
00:02:00,086 --> 00:02:01,689
'Cause if it was, it'd be--
39
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,190
♪ Your mama ♪
40
00:02:03,290 --> 00:02:05,524
♪ Went to the store
to get the Plan B ♪
41
00:02:05,525 --> 00:02:08,961
♪ Then did drugs
during her pregnancy ♪
42
00:02:11,965 --> 00:02:13,833
Shut up, Butt-Head!
43
00:02:13,834 --> 00:02:15,435
♪ Your mama ♪
44
00:02:15,436 --> 00:02:17,303
♪ Likes to have sex
with lots of dudes ♪
45
00:02:17,304 --> 00:02:18,706
♪ And leave you in a hot car ♪
46
00:02:21,108 --> 00:02:23,309
Oh, well, that's true.
47
00:02:23,310 --> 00:02:24,879
♪ Your mama ♪
48
00:02:24,979 --> 00:02:26,879
♪ Got in a fistfight
with her caseworker ♪
49
00:02:29,183 --> 00:02:30,816
Oh, yeah.
50
00:02:30,817 --> 00:02:33,720
I'd rather have that than one
of these moms that, like,
51
00:02:33,820 --> 00:02:37,590
cares about you, and she,
like, is always around
52
00:02:37,591 --> 00:02:40,426
'cause that turns you
into a wuss.
53
00:02:40,427 --> 00:02:41,994
Uh, oh, yeah.
54
00:02:41,995 --> 00:02:43,797
Moms like that suck.
55
00:02:43,798 --> 00:02:47,333
They're always like,
"Uh, I'm Jeremy's mom.
56
00:02:47,334 --> 00:02:49,268
I came to his play, uh."
57
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:50,903
Oh, yeah, yeah.
58
00:02:50,904 --> 00:02:54,507
"The play's so good,
and Jeremy's the best part.
59
00:02:54,508 --> 00:02:56,976
Uh, Jeremy, I love you."
60
00:02:58,612 --> 00:03:02,515
If my mom ever said that to me,
I'd kick her out of the house.
61
00:03:02,516 --> 00:03:05,451
Yeah, really.
62
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:06,753
In fact, it's kind
of weird that you
63
00:03:06,754 --> 00:03:07,754
just said it, Butt-Head.
64
00:03:07,755 --> 00:03:08,888
Don't ever do that again.
65
00:03:08,889 --> 00:03:10,356
I'll kick your ass.
66
00:03:11,858 --> 00:03:14,828
You shouldn't even joke
about stuff like that, yeah.
67
00:03:14,829 --> 00:03:16,263
Beavis.
68
00:03:16,363 --> 00:03:17,530
You seem upset.
69
00:03:17,531 --> 00:03:19,432
Does this video
bring up issues?
70
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,367
Shut up, Butt-Head!
71
00:03:21,368 --> 00:03:23,169
Do you want
to talk about it?
72
00:03:24,705 --> 00:03:27,074
I'm here for you if you
want to talk about it.
73
00:03:27,174 --> 00:03:29,041
Eh, c'mon, Butt-Head.
74
00:03:29,042 --> 00:03:31,010
You know who's
not here for you?
75
00:03:31,011 --> 00:03:32,712
♪ Your mama ♪
76
00:03:32,713 --> 00:03:35,682
Shut up, Butt-Head.
77
00:03:36,883 --> 00:03:39,018
This sperm bank
is pretty cool.
78
00:03:39,019 --> 00:03:41,487
It barely looks
disgusting at all.
79
00:03:41,488 --> 00:03:43,188
Yeah, yeah.
80
00:03:43,189 --> 00:03:47,428
So, um, where do, eh, you
know, make our contribution?
81
00:03:49,363 --> 00:03:52,265
Uh, looks like we
gotta get in line.
82
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:55,668
Eh, so we have to
wait for all these guys
83
00:03:55,669 --> 00:03:57,103
to spank their monkey?
84
00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:02,074
Ugh, that old guy's
probably gonna take forever.
85
00:04:02,075 --> 00:04:04,343
Yeah, really.
86
00:04:04,344 --> 00:04:07,713
Well, pull up
a chair, everybody.
87
00:04:07,714 --> 00:04:09,816
Next, please?
88
00:04:09,817 --> 00:04:11,117
How can I help you?
89
00:04:11,118 --> 00:04:14,488
Uh, we wanna,
like, get some money.
90
00:04:14,588 --> 00:04:15,489
Yeah, yeah.
91
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:16,756
Boi-oi-oi-oing!
92
00:04:18,125 --> 00:04:19,859
You can use the ATM machine.
93
00:04:19,960 --> 00:04:21,527
- We can?
- Sure.
94
00:04:21,528 --> 00:04:22,896
It's right out in the lobby.
95
00:04:26,367 --> 00:04:28,668
Um, Butt-Head, what do we do?
96
00:04:30,170 --> 00:04:33,973
Uh, I think the sperm
goes in this thing.
97
00:04:35,909 --> 00:04:38,945
Whoa, it holds a lot.
98
00:04:38,946 --> 00:04:41,180
Eh, I don't think I can reach.
99
00:04:41,181 --> 00:04:42,548
Maybe if you give
me a boost, I--
100
00:04:42,549 --> 00:04:43,850
Ah!
101
00:04:43,851 --> 00:04:45,084
Dammit, Beavis,
I'm not gonna have my hands
102
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:47,420
anywhere near you
while you spank your monkey.
103
00:04:47,421 --> 00:04:49,455
Leave me out of this.
104
00:04:49,456 --> 00:04:52,825
I guess I could just
climb up and then just kind
105
00:04:52,826 --> 00:04:55,362
of pull my pants down.
106
00:05:02,236 --> 00:05:03,970
There's too many
people around.
107
00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,972
This is weird.
- Dammit.
108
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:09,442
This sperm bank sucks.
109
00:05:09,443 --> 00:05:13,079
Uh, that ATM
didn't work at all.
110
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,314
If there was more privacy,
I could probably swing it,
111
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,650
but no, thank you.
112
00:05:18,785 --> 00:05:20,286
Do you have
an account with us?
113
00:05:20,287 --> 00:05:21,888
Uh, no.
114
00:05:21,889 --> 00:05:24,258
We just got here
five minutes ago.
115
00:05:24,358 --> 00:05:26,594
Well, you'll need to
make an initial deposit.
116
00:05:26,694 --> 00:05:28,394
How would you like
to do that today?
117
00:05:28,395 --> 00:05:29,829
Eh, I don't know.
118
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,232
With my hand, I guess.
119
00:05:32,332 --> 00:05:34,433
Unless you have someone
who can help a guy out,
120
00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,669
if you know what I'm saying.
121
00:05:36,670 --> 00:05:40,907
I am going to need a deposit
before I can open your account.
122
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:44,844
OK, but, um, can we do
it in the bathroom, maybe?
123
00:05:44,845 --> 00:05:47,947
You need the bathroom,
it's right over there.
124
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:49,482
Do they have
anything to look at,
125
00:05:49,483 --> 00:05:52,785
you know, like,
to help things along?
126
00:05:52,786 --> 00:05:56,557
Uh, they've got
these little magazines.
127
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:59,158
Let's see here.
128
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:03,930
This is just pictures of people
standing in front of a house.
129
00:06:03,931 --> 00:06:05,731
Uh, it's not bad, you know?
130
00:06:05,732 --> 00:06:08,234
It'll work.
131
00:06:08,235 --> 00:06:10,103
Hey, baby, whatcha
gonna do in that house?
132
00:06:10,203 --> 00:06:12,338
Oh, yeah.
133
00:06:12,339 --> 00:06:13,607
The hay-ouse.
134
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:14,608
Yeah.
135
00:06:14,708 --> 00:06:15,774
I'll just go in here.
136
00:06:18,445 --> 00:06:20,280
Banking is cool.
137
00:06:25,919 --> 00:06:28,120
Now, where's our money?
138
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,222
Yeah, I deposited
all over that place.
139
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,325
Yeah.
140
00:06:31,425 --> 00:06:33,226
Yeah, me too.
141
00:06:33,227 --> 00:06:36,697
Then I took a little nap
on some guy's desk.
142
00:06:36,797 --> 00:06:38,765
I'll just need cash
or a cashier's check,
143
00:06:38,766 --> 00:06:40,866
and we can get your
account opened right up.
144
00:06:40,867 --> 00:06:43,736
We have to give him money?
145
00:06:43,737 --> 00:06:45,070
Dammit, Beavis.
146
00:06:45,071 --> 00:06:47,273
At least act like you
know what you're doing.
147
00:06:47,274 --> 00:06:49,442
You got to spend money
to make money.
148
00:06:49,443 --> 00:06:51,210
Don't embarrass me.
149
00:06:51,211 --> 00:06:52,579
Oh, OK.
OK.
150
00:06:52,580 --> 00:06:54,146
OK, fine.
151
00:06:54,147 --> 00:06:55,648
Here you go.
152
00:06:56,917 --> 00:06:58,218
OK.
153
00:06:58,219 --> 00:06:59,953
This is gonna be your
temporary checkbook.
154
00:06:59,954 --> 00:07:01,487
What?
155
00:07:01,488 --> 00:07:02,689
And just give me a moment.
156
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:05,191
I'll be right back
with your ATM card.
157
00:07:05,192 --> 00:07:06,693
Hey, where's he going?
158
00:07:06,694 --> 00:07:09,828
That butthole just
took all our money.
159
00:07:09,829 --> 00:07:13,600
And look, they made a baby
out of our sperms already.
160
00:07:13,601 --> 00:07:15,234
That's not our baby.
161
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:18,105
It takes like a month, dumbass.
162
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:19,706
Oh, yeah.
163
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:23,676
Yeah, but maybe because there's
two of us, it's faster, see?
164
00:07:24,811 --> 00:07:26,813
Uh, oh, yeah.
165
00:07:26,814 --> 00:07:28,082
Hey!
166
00:07:28,182 --> 00:07:29,415
Undo this baby.
167
00:07:29,416 --> 00:07:32,018
We want our sperms back!
168
00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:33,686
Yeah, you stole our sperms.
169
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:36,823
At least pay us
for the baby we made!
170
00:07:38,058 --> 00:07:40,860
Uh, he's gone.
171
00:07:44,198 --> 00:07:46,266
I guess that's our baby, huh?
172
00:07:50,904 --> 00:07:52,505
So what do we say?
173
00:07:52,506 --> 00:07:55,742
Uhh--
174
00:07:55,743 --> 00:07:57,677
We did your mom.
175
00:08:01,048 --> 00:08:02,048
Eh, come on, Butt-Head.
176
00:08:02,049 --> 00:08:04,151
C'mon.
177
00:08:04,818 --> 00:08:09,589
So I guess, um, we're like, uh,
your dads or something, yeah.
178
00:08:09,590 --> 00:08:11,358
Yeah.
179
00:08:11,458 --> 00:08:12,860
Sorry, we can't stick around.
180
00:08:14,428 --> 00:08:16,429
Yeah, it's been real,
you know, but, um, we gotta
181
00:08:16,430 --> 00:08:19,199
move on and stuff, you know?
182
00:08:19,299 --> 00:08:22,735
Uh, I guess before we
go, we should, like, give
183
00:08:22,736 --> 00:08:24,638
it some advice or something?
184
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:26,873
Like, about life?
185
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:28,008
Oh, yeah, yeah.
186
00:08:28,108 --> 00:08:29,942
Yeah, yeah, we should, yeah.
187
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:31,210
OK, let me see, um.
188
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,512
Oh, oh, I know.
189
00:08:32,513 --> 00:08:34,380
You can donate
sperm at the bank,
190
00:08:34,381 --> 00:08:36,716
and they'll give you money.
191
00:08:36,717 --> 00:08:37,783
No, they won't.
192
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:39,820
Dumbass, it didn't work.
193
00:08:39,920 --> 00:08:41,220
Oh, yeah, yeah.
194
00:08:41,221 --> 00:08:42,655
OK, never mind that, yeah.
195
00:08:42,656 --> 00:08:45,492
Yeah, sorry.
196
00:08:45,592 --> 00:08:47,960
Uh, try not to suck.
197
00:08:49,296 --> 00:08:50,998
Yeah, yeah.
198
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,032
Good enough.
199
00:08:52,133 --> 00:08:54,133
Let's go home, yeah.
200
00:09:08,015 --> 00:09:09,750
Vietnam.
201
00:09:09,850 --> 00:09:13,319
America was fighting not
only the wily Vietcong,
202
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:15,488
but controversy here at home.
203
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:19,159
After three tours
of duty, I myself
204
00:09:19,160 --> 00:09:22,828
became disillusioned with
the war and left the army
205
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:27,133
and soon found myself in San
Francisco in what they were
206
00:09:27,134 --> 00:09:31,170
calling the Summer of Love.
207
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:35,942
Hey, cats, let's head on down
to the free love festival, man.
208
00:09:35,943 --> 00:09:37,376
Yeah, groovy.
209
00:09:37,377 --> 00:09:38,746
Psychedelic.
210
00:09:38,846 --> 00:09:40,179
Far out.
211
00:09:40,180 --> 00:09:43,250
Now, hold on just one
minute, Flowerberry.
212
00:09:43,350 --> 00:09:46,652
That bong you got there
ain't gonna work right.
213
00:09:46,653 --> 00:09:51,157
You see, the gasket on the
down stem isn't sitting flush.
214
00:09:51,158 --> 00:09:54,193
And that's gonna
let in unwanted air.
215
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:56,496
Man, there's a
free love festival--
216
00:09:56,497 --> 00:09:59,265
You see, your lungs
create negative air
217
00:09:59,266 --> 00:10:01,200
pressure that
pulls the marijuana
218
00:10:01,201 --> 00:10:02,669
smoke through the water.
219
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:05,471
But with a bad seal like
this, you're just gonna
220
00:10:05,472 --> 00:10:07,606
be pulling in regular air.
221
00:10:07,607 --> 00:10:11,777
And I don't know about you,
but I call that a bummer.
222
00:10:11,778 --> 00:10:13,779
Man, there's a
free love festival--
223
00:10:13,780 --> 00:10:15,082
Huh!
224
00:10:15,182 --> 00:10:17,650
Now, Flowerberry, you can
end the war in Vietnam
225
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:20,386
by making love
to your old lady quick.
226
00:10:20,387 --> 00:10:22,555
Or you can end
the war in Vietnam
227
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:25,259
by making love
to your old lady right.
228
00:10:25,359 --> 00:10:30,263
So how about let's have
a look-see at that bong?
229
00:10:30,264 --> 00:10:33,899
Do you have
a socket wrench set?
230
00:10:33,900 --> 00:10:37,136
The next day, I returned
to Vietnam, where I did
231
00:10:37,137 --> 00:10:39,406
another seven tours of duty.
232
00:10:39,407 --> 00:10:43,209
But I'm guessing you wanna know
more about Flowerberry's socket
233
00:10:43,210 --> 00:10:44,578
wrench set.
234
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,646
But it'll have
to wait for the next
235
00:10:46,647 --> 00:10:48,982
"Tom Anderson's War Stories."